“LOVE… and Other Foolish Things”

February 2011

I came here tonight to read you a poem I had written — a beautiful love poem filled with flowers, sunsets, moonlight and electricity, you know, the works… and believe me, you would have loved it BUT when I sat down to write this epic “legend of a poem”, all I could think about was the way I like, I LOVE, eating ‘Corn Pops’… dry… straight from the box.

Just bear with me, I can explain.

I wanted to write a poem about lovers falling asleep and waking in each other’s arms, the nights’ dreams still dancing in their warm, sleepy eyes. The way they dozed off, listening to each other’s soft breathing (or ravenous snoring — to each his own) — a soft sigh, so light that you would feel guilty witnessing it. The secrets of gods and goddesses.

BUT again all I could think about was — what must I look like — sitting there in the living room — in my underwear, eating dry Corn Pops cereal?

I wondered, what exactly would make a beautiful smart sexy woman fall for a guy like… me? (Some things you shouldn’t think about — just be happy you’re happy, right?)

I did a little online research (Wikipedia, yahoo message boards, twitter, facebook, etc…) and formed my own personal theory, based on my only test subject… me (and a few neighbors I observed through the window) and the theory I came up with was… brain damage. Most people in love are brain damaged. What else could it be? Have you ever tasted dry Corn Pops cereal? No milk?

Brain damage… but not really. It’s actually GRAVITY. Gravity’s damaging effect on the brain. It is GRAVITY that makes the average beat at 60 to 80 beats per minute, heart at rest. It is GRAVITY that makes an excited heart beat upwards of 120 beats per minute. And it is GRAVITY that makes us feel… something. Some “thing” is going on inside. Some “thing” is happening when two people come together and call it LOVE. THIS must be love. GRAVITY must be love. Or so goes my theory (and I do sooooo LOVE having a theory).I propose — two bodies in the grasp of, in the throes of… GRAVITY? Equals Love.

The Earth spinning on its Axis, causes our bodies to react like drunken sailors on holiday. Same thing with LOVE. Our human bodies are constructed to exist in a gravitational environment — everything from blood flow to our sense of balance is influenced by the gravitational pull of the Earth. Same thing with LOVE.

The Earth’s rotation around the sun — roughly 67,062 miles per hour — coupled with the equatorial angular rotation speed, calculated at around 1,040 miles per hour — physically causes our bodies to seek out and to hold onto some “thing”, preferably, each other. This rotation also causes our bodies to react to different seasons, different climates. Example, we get cold in the winter and hot in the summer or vice versa depending on your particular location on Earth. This rotation causes us to wear wool jackets in the winter- COLD, strapless dresses in the spring — WARM and GRAVITY challenged swim wear in the summer — HOT. And we all like it — because we look and feel good. Yes, GRAVITY does this. GRAVITY makes us all look good. Of course it does, have you met my friend GRAVITY? You will. And we really have no choice in the matter. Can’t help it.

Listen, if you see me walking down the street one Fall afternoon, wearing my favorite black turtleneck sweater, looking good, just run up to me and throw yourself into my arms. Stop fighting it. It’s natural. Seriously, I’m like a magnet.

So, my theory? The pull of the moon affects the tide of the ocean — which then affects our ability to “access the ocean”. And if the tide is too high to “access the ocean”, we sit at the bar drinking shots, that’s what we humans do, which in turn causes us to notice “other humans” also sitting in the bar drinking shots. Again, you just can’t fight this. Some people call this attraction… well, attraction or magnetism. The Universal Law of Attraction is actually pretty simple, “like attracts like”. If a guy is sitting in a bar drinking car bomb shots and a gal is sitting in the same bar drinking car bomb shots, and they come in contact with each other and there are no restraining orders against them… BAM! It’s gonna happen people. It’s all part of god’s plan. And again, it’s all natural. Gravity, magnetism, charm, a little bit of luck and mayhaps, a few car bomb shots? — These CAN and have been the building blocks of LOVE. I’m not saying it will work for everyone… but I have been married for seven years, so trust me on this one.

OK, now I have something to work with. Back to the love poem I was writing. We have two bodies drawn together to form one body. One heart. One soul? One GRAVITY. I am coming to a point soon folks. (digressing) You know, Albert Einstein was once jokingly queried by an English reporter as to whether or not, in his opinion, GRAVITY or more precisely, “standing on one’s head could be the cause of one falling in love — or doing other foolish things” — he replied, “while falling in love is not at all the MOST stupid thing that people do — gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” Sure.

Boy, I could have written pages on that response but I was still distracted. I found myself again wondering… “How could anyone really like eating Corn Pops cereal without the milk?” And more, how could another person love that person? Could GRAVITY explain that? Apples? Oranges? Isaac Newton?

I’m going nuts over this. Why can’t I get this poem started? I need to find someone smarter than me to help. So, I get up and I go to my wife with a written list of questions about LOVE. “What is love?” “Why exactly does she love me?” “When did she know she loved me?” “Is the cereal thing a turn off?” Etc…

And yes, I have to have a written list because in my home, and most married people I know can attest to this, spouses do not answer questions without asking two in return? “What do you need to know that for?” “What is this — a trick question?” “Are you trying to have sex with me… again? It’s a Monday!” “We already have one kid, what are you trying to do to me?” BUT if I have a list, I can chalk it up to “research” and get away without the inquisition. Most of the time.

So, I go to my lovely wife and she’s sitting in front of the television watching Bones, again.

The kid has been scrubbed, brushed and put to bed. Dinner is on the table. My wife is completely dousing everything on her plate with hot sauce. The chicken, the mashed potatoes, the corn on the cob, the salad… all totally covered. I’ve seen this all before, of course, but this night — I seem to see it in a new light. THIS is what love is! LOVE isn’t just about flowers and poetry and rainbows. WE have other much stronger words to describe LOVE. Words like MORTGAGE or INSURANCE or HEAT. Forget about gravity theorem and car bomb shots and the laws of attraction. LOVE — IS — HOTSAUCE …on everything… and Bones on the television and sleeping kids and dinner with friends and all of our ho-hum daily machinations and routines. Love is THIS moment, right now.

My wife looks up at me, then back at her plate, then back at me and says with a smile, “must be the full moon”. She gestures at the table, “I made your favorite dinner too sweety”. I sit at the table and open the brand new box of Corn Pops that she’s put out for me and pour myself a nice big bowl. No milk. “It must be”, I say. “It must be”.

EPILOGUE:

Yes, I did finish the poem. Yes, you can read it later.